From the heading... yeah today's post gonna be very... i don't know, emotional?
After getting into RP, i really don't feel any happiness at all.. i feel so sick..literally.
The type of education... i don't like their way.yeah i cant stop complaining.
I don't like my class either, although there were a few friends i love, able to talk to but... everything was different.
The grades were stressing me out... i know i don't do well because i simply hate it.
PRESENTATION... and Daily RJ,Quizess and evaluations......
CCAs, i really wanna join Hip-hop dance or dance but what the shit is this??? there is audition and my dance skill is like suck so much even below zero... Went for audition but didnt get in...
ahhh seriously.... why my life....


Next thing is i started to hate coming home.. as in i don't really want to come home early...
I know i should not have felt this way but i get really annoyed by my family sometimes.
It's like...i already get stressed and fucked up by my school but the moment i reached home...
The problem starts... when I'm having my dinner, I was nagged at to eat more when i wanted to go on a diet
nobody can understand... i mean ok i will eat , its just that im eating lesser than usual whats wrong with it?
Getting tired.. one day two days its fine...but its been a few months and its EXACTLY EVERYDAY. i swear... its EVERYDAY.
I get irritated when i need to use the toilet but it's like taken and it's ALWAYS everytime!!!!
I cant get any own time when im home, everything i do, i feel like im being looked at. the creeps....
I get tired... People say Home gives you warmth but for me... no.
I don't get warmth... I don't get the way of warmth i wanted.
When im trying to like talk and saying what i want to say, nobody bothers to listen yea and i meant it.
So as time goes by, I stopped saying anything and just be quiet.Torturous.
Everyone have their own partners...im not jealous, nor do i want one desperately, of coz everyone hopes to find their ideal partner lah... So ya.. they spent their time with them like more? yea more...
Kind of feeling neglected. idk I'm turning 18 but I start to think more immature than when im 17 and this sucks.


In school, I always put up my smile, a fake one...
I had never been my trueself ever since 2012 1st of April.
I get sick, i Get tired.
But Sometimes,Thankfully i really thank my friend for being there for me especially Joan Jieying and Gekmin and dongsaeng.
I complained to them like very often... but even that, sometimes nobody can understand what I actually feels.
And this goes to everyone too. It's an indescribable feeling.
I don't know what happened to me, i just cant be as happy as last year and before.
I hate it when i got "scolded & cursed" at for nothing, it's not my fault right???
Sometimes your tweet tires me. I hate those and im avoiding. i dk why the hell must i avoid...well...
As im typing this, im crying and i had to "hide" from my family whenever i tears.
It's just useless even though they see me crying lah...
My sis, i love them but still..
As i mentioned above, I'm turning 18 soon... But i hate to make it big.
I LOVE surprises, but small surprises, a simple thing i will love you so much.
But none... i don't know lah..
My mum was like asking me where exactly i want to go for dinner and she even get angry for i dont know what reason.
My younger sis, forgets my bdae...yea i didnt show but it hearbreaks me a lot.. i dont know she's kidding or its real.
My older sis, i hope she remembers...
My granny guess she will also forget or must be reminded hahhahaha getting used to it..
Because old le memory not that good but i still love her for all she gave me.
Damn im tearing so badly now...
Screwed up my life...2012 screw it up.
Today, as i was crossing the road, I almost got myself hit by a car, purposely crossing when the car was approaching.. I really don't know what im thinking, my mind just asked me to cross.
Of coz i didnt get banged down but after not being knocked down, I am even thinking of WHY am i not knocked down... the Death thought kept coming into my mind... I'm just going crazy.
I hope i dont get depression... I can control my mind to only a certain extend...but beyond it.... i dont know.

I start to think of you like again... i get over you already and also fallen in love(i dont know if it is or not because i forgotten that feeling) with somebody else but keeping quiet because im scared.
But occassionally you kept appearing, in my dreams, in my mind.
A random thing, i can think of you. I totally got over you but you are just still in my mind.I'm kind of shutting myself down to the outside world...the social world...i easily get irritated by people's actions.


The only thing that can keep the sad things out of my mind is only SHINee and watch shows and dramas.
They are all another fantasy world for me.
I know SHINee don't even knows me but at least i can forget what i am...You dont have to remind me that they don't know my existence...just let me be a fangirl when i need to. And I really Love them so much!
I cant give them up easily, SHINee is part of my life.


If you are reading this post, you might be thinking that im being fake to you... but please forget this post when you see me unless you want me to show you a super nasty face.
Blogging is only way for me to vomit out my heartfelt words...

[1] No Ripping.
[2] No Spamming.
[3] No Vulgarities.
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♫Vivian lye


♫~ LyeSHINee!™~
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